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Finding Balance and a New Perspective

September 15, 2009

It’s no secret if you look at my weight progress page that I’m a little bit obsessed with my weight. In fact, if I’m honest with myself, I’m extremely obsessed with the number on the scale. More times than not, those three numbers dictate how I feel about myself and how the rest of my day goes.

My bad habits include:

*Weighing myself several times throughout the day.
*Feeling guilt or having to justify to myself when I eat something “bad.”
*”Punishing” myself with extra time working out if I eat something “bad.”
*Feeling angry all day when I miss a workout, or when I know I’m going to miss one.
*Obsessing over skinny photos in Self/Shape/People magazines.
*Fighting in my head over what to eat at restaurants, only to make a poor choice, then vowing only to have protein shakes and oatmeal then next day.

In defense, I’m still transitioning into the thinking that there are no bad foods, its just in the way we abuse them. Cake really isn’t evil and bad, it’s only when I eat a whole cake, that it becomes an issue, ha!

There’s also an underlying pressure felt from other girls about looking a certain way. Girls can be mean about other people’s weight, making ourselves feel better, by saying “Have you seen how much weight she’s gained?” Etc. I found this to be true, even when pregnant!!! Are you kidding me!? Ok, that’s another post for another day….

I’m saying all this because I know I’m not the only one that deals with this. Sometimes, it may not be this extreme, but those thoughts are there.

It’s started affecting my relationships with other people, even Reid.

What’s interesting is I’m not this way with my clients when I train. I understand what’s healthy and how to motivate them in a healthy way, but I’m different in how I treat myself about it.

While I’ve been considering counseling for working through these issues, I’ve actually stumbled across a blog that has brought me to the road of healing and restoring my relationship with food and myself.

She’s written several entries on her own journey towards a healthy lifestyle and ridding herself of these detrimental obsessions.

Here’s part of an entry from the end of last year.

I used to focus on the wrong numbers- calories, scale numbers, size numbers. But these numbers were a toxic thing in my life and caused me lots of stress. I got to the point where I couldn’t go a day without adding up the calories of what I ate. I knew that I needed to break free from it and slowly over the past year I was able to break the habit. It was really difficult I will admit. And I had several relapses back into my old ways. What really helped me was focusing on other numbers that were more positive, such as setting weekly mileage goals for my half training or by focusing on nutrients in food rather than reducing food to a simple number. Food is so much more than how many calories, fat grams, and protein grams it has! Food represents our daily fuel and energy to live a better life.

You can be healthy AND be free of obsession.

Start each day by committing to yourself that you will not bring these negative influences into your life. Life is short. Have fun, get messy, and most of all never let a number tell you your worth.

There’s more to come about this subject, how I’m dealing with it and find myself feeling better already. I feel a little awkward posting this today, but I know I’m not alone and want to pass along some encouragement.

The end.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 15, 2009 10:42 am

    I admire you for being so honest and open. Girls can be mean…and yes I’m pointing my finger back at myself too.
    Sorry to hear of the struggles you deal with. I believe we all deal with it in different ways.
    I wish we lived closer so we could go on walks/runs together with our boys; maybe help encourage each other in dealing with the post-baby weight.
    I love you Ash. You’re a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL woman…both inside AND out. Don’t let anyone or anything (ie magazines, shows, etc.) tell you different.

  2. September 15, 2009 10:51 am

    p.s. I just read your “about” page – HILARIOUS!! You’re such a good writer, Ash. I loved the “interesting facts” about Jack and Chewy. Too funny. 🙂

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