Russia: One year later

Last year around this time I was getting ready to go to Kostroma, Russia for 9 days to visit an orphanage.

I’m finding it harder to write about this than I thought.

Holly and Zeb are going back to Russia in just two weeks to visit the same orphanage. There is a part of me that is jealous. They’ll get to see our kids and how they’ve grown and changed in the past year.

I feel like I try to seperate myself from anything I could feel about Russia. That may not make sense. For example, even last night I could sleep so I just started thinking about Russia and certain kids there and as soon as my mind lands there, I try to ignore it. I start thinking about something else on purpose because I don’t want to feel sad or pain for these orphans. I don’t want to deal with it. I can’t decide if this is selfish or not. They can’t gain anything from me crying for them. I just don’t know.

I have a red box in my closet that stays shut. It’s full of Russia memories and reminds me of my time spent at the orphanage. I opened it the other day. The first thing I saw was this ratty old navy blue bow. And then I quickly shut it, and put it up.

The bow was a gift. As we were all leaving the orphanage for the last time, there were lots of tears and whaling. I remember being in the front entrance way pracitcally being escorted out by some orphanage workers because the kids were literally blocking us and pulling on our clothes to keep us back. This one girl ran up to me and placed the bow in my hand saying Olya wanted me to have this. Olya was an older orphan, around 13, who had clung to me the whole week. I felt close to her.

But when I saw the bow again I froze. I feel like I’m not ready to look at it all again.

I still think of them often and pray for them. I recently put a picture of Olya and Denis in the kitchen so I can see thier faces everyday smiling back at me. I try to think of the good times I had with them and all the great things they could be. I just block out reality and any sad feelings I might have.

I need to find a balance.